NFL 2008 In Haiku

No more whiskey soaked Sundays surrounded by blaring HDTVs and raucous alternating delight or agony.

No more consolation prize Monday nights to lubricate the week's lurching start. No more bargaining with a God I only believe in during football season for Green Bay victory.

No more Fitzgerald twists mid-air. No more Chris Harris battleship sinking hits. No more Purple Jesus on the loose or McNabb on the leash. No Haynesworth triple teamed or DeMarcus double barreled.

No roughness, necessary or unnecessary. No turf world turned upside if briefly. No bounties denied, no fingertip touchdowns.

No more pro football.

At least not until September. Fuck, that's a long time from now.

Before we jump ahead though, let's put the final nail in 2008's coffin. So far, my favorite comments on the season past come from Zac at Throwing Into Traffic, specifically through the prism of Super Bowl 43 (read it now).

Instead of reflecting back through 43, I prefer starting with 2008 from the beginning. To add a little challenge, I'm recapping the season in haiku form. And in the spirit of football's starting 11 players, 11 syllable haiku, 3-5-3 style.

So here's the 2008 NFL season in haiku.

Brady broke –
Chad grows Fins, East goes
Miami.

Look! It's Ed
Hochuli dressed in
orange and blue.

Pass rushers
fall, more keep coming,
Giants roll.

Mario,
world not enough, much
less Houston.

Garrard hit
from behind, story of
Jaguars' year.

Wildcat, you
look like something I
forgot once.

Vince Young's head,
a landscape in foam.
Call Kerry.

Chargers charge
slow but bolt to post-
season field.

Goodbye Matt!
Fords won't validate
your parking.

Neckbeard! You
give Chicago hope
yet crush it.

Keep throwing
the bomb, Campbell, thing
of beauty.

Cleveland, what
happened? Horse Balls shrunk
sinks the Browns.

Seattle:
where wide receivers
go to die.

The South is
rising, but this time
NFC.

Flacco and
Ryan, surpass where others
struggle – rooks!

The Cowboys
implosion set for
post bye week.

Buffaloes
roam into the cross-
hairs of East.

Pacman back
both playing, fighting
drunken brawl.

Prince Albert
and Chris Johnson, win
streak Titans.

The pinky
of Romo, digit
too famous.

He got a
broken face, doesn't
stop Anquan.

Can't wait for
end of season, must
fire right now!

London lit
by young Rivers but
Drew's on fire.

Matt Cassel!
You found Randy, it's
not so bad.

Detroit freed,
Roy Williams times two
in Dallas.

Thanksgiving –
tryptophan nap or
Lions loss?

Greg Jennings
cannot pass rush, the
Packers sunk.

Portis blocks
crush like the Redskins
playoff hopes.

Six face ban,
supplement to blame,
pee in cup.

New York talks
subway Super Bowl,
Favre falters.

Plaxico
takes revenge on leg
in sweatpants.

Fitzpatrick
versus Dorsey: a
regression.

Tampa Bay,
swarming defense now
tired, napping.

Cutler's guns
cool, Broncos' gallop
slows to trot.

Brees closes
on record, Saints on
parity.

Lions make
history, just not
victory.

Shanahan,
ultimate leader,
without troops.

Pats sit home
as Chargers into
playoffs sneak.

A trophy
isn't always victory,
right, Peyton?

Adrian
on sidelines for Vikes'
biggest drive.

Giants or
Titans, matters not,
fall the same.

McNabb short
reviving Chunky
Soup career.

Fitzgerald,
Larry, now you know,
USA.

Field strewn with
bodies, yes, Ravens
v Steelers.

Harrison
on a quarter tank,
putters home.

Holmes's toes
rob Larry's hands of
MVP.

Terrible
towels wave at the
season's end.